Building Bridges

One of the main parameters of the Bridging the Gap Synchroblog  was to come up with positive ways for the gay community and Christian community to connect and understand one another. I hope that my thoughts will not be viewed as negative. I preface this post with that because I do have some thoughts as to what a few of the problems are. Often pointing out problems can be understood as negative. However, I'm hoping to offer constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is positive in that that goal of offering it is to grow or become better, healthier, and more balanced. 

 I'd also like to give you a brief summary of my own experience with faith and sexuality so that my thoughts can be understood in the context of my own journey. When I was 14, I realized that the almighty God desired to know me personally and was able to be near to me because of the blood sacrifice of His son Jesus Christ. I accepted the free gift of God's grace and forgiveness and told Him that I wanted to follow Him for the rest of my life. Simultaneously, I was able to recognize that I was experiencing attractions for other guys. In that moment of prayer before the Lord, I was gently and lovingly convicted that God did not intend for me to live my life according to my same sex attractions. The best way I can describe it is that I felt the Lord was saying to me "I have something else for you". This was only the beginning of what has now been a 13 year journey. It has not been an easy journey by any means. The point of this blog is not to detail my personal journey so I won't. I just want to end this section by telling you where I'm at today. Today, I'm married to my amazing, beautiful, Hand-picked-by-God, wonderful wife. We've also been recently  blessed with the birth of our incredible baby girl.

 I'm sure my journey gives you some insight in to my theological understanding of homosexuality.  However conservative, traditional, or typical of evangelical Christianity that understanding may be, I have also realized major short comings in the Church's ability to understand, accept, love, and serve gay and lesbian people.  

One of the first things I think evangelical christians need to understand is that they don't understand. In my experience, it seems like the "straight christian" (keep in mind how much I hate labels, but this post would be way to long if I had to keep typing out 'Christian people who have only ever been heterosexually attracted') approaches the subject of homosexuality as if they know everything they need to know about it.  The idea seems to be, "I know homosexuality is sin and that's all I need to know." The problem with this thinking lies in the focus. The focus being homosexuality and not the person. Furthermore,  our conclusions about the wrong focus shape our attitudes and behaviors toward the person. In order to build bridges with the gay and lesbian community ,and also to better minister to people in our own congregations dealing with same sex attractions, we need to be willing to listen and to learn from the individual. Not every individual that identifies as gay is the same as another individual who also identifies as gay. Each person has their own journey, their own experiences, and their own understanding of their sexuality.  The measure of our compassion and our ability to love the gay or lesbian person will be the same as our ability to understand them. We are told in scripture that our saviour understands us. Scripture even tells us that Christ was tempted in EVERY way that we are. I can indeed testify that reading this scripture brought me great comfort and encouragement as I struggled to understand my own struggles with sexuality.  To summarize this point, if you've never been attracted to the same sex, understand that you don't understand and commit to listening and learning from the gay, lesbian, or same-sex attracted person. 

My Rosy Tinted Exgay Lenses

Today I posted my experiences with the local "exgay" ministry on a discussion board at gaychristian.net  Most of the posts in this thread are about people's negative and even harmful experiences at some of these ministries from different parts of the country. I'm starting to realize just how different most other exgay ministries are and some of the different approaches they take. My experience was overwhelmingly positive. God did so much in my life through the group here in town. I want to share with my blog readers what my experience has been. The format of the discussion was a list of questions about the person's experience at these types of ministries. 

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I wanted to give a shot at these questions because, while I do not doubt the negative experiences that people have shared here, my experiences have been quite different. However, I'm starting to realize that the ministry I was involved with here in Denver seems to be vastly different then other ministries across the country. In fact, just recently the ministry here in Denver broke their affiliation with Exodus because their approach to these issues is very different. I'm not really even sure that the ministry here would be described as "reparative therapy" or "exgay". But as an organization they have taken the stance that homosexuality is not God's intent for our expression of sexuality. 

1) Did you find reparative therapy useful? Why or why not?

I don't think the ministry I was involved in used any techniques that would be considered "reparative" therapy. I did find my experience in the group to be useful. They provided a safe place where I was able to openly process my conflict of same sex attractions and my faith. 

2) Why were/are you trying to rid yourself of homosexual tendencies? Is it because of personal, social, religious or cultural beliefs?

I'm sure each of the above beliefs influenced my motives but ever since I came to the Lord I felt convicted (in a loving way) that homosexuality was not what God intended for me.

3) Do you believe that homosexuality should be frowned upon, or is it something that you simply did not want to be a part of?

I don't think homosexuality should be "frowned upon", I just think it's part of the fallen human condition like so many other realities of life. As a Christian, I wanted to live the life that God called me to. 

4) Has the therapy altered your sexual orientation? If so, have you had or are you in a relationship with a female?

My experience in the ministry helped me understand my attractions better. It also helped me understand God's unconditional love and grace. Understanding my attractions and God's grace gave me the freedom I needed to live life not controlled by my same sex attractions. This freedom has allowed me to pursue relationships (both platonic and romantic) in a different light. After 4 years of starting attending the ministry I became attracted to the woman who is now my wife. I don't credit the ministry as the entire reason why I pursued my wife and got married. I believe the Lord was preparing me, my entire life, for the marriage he had for me. Getting married was more about choosing to walk in the purposes God had for me, then was about having no same sex attractions. If orientation change only means going from exclusively homosexual attractions to exclusively heterosexual attractions then no, that's not what occurred. But then again, the ministry never communicated that as an expectation either. 

5) Can you divulge some of the therapeutic practices that were used on you?

The ministry always held to the belief that homosexuality was the result of a relational deficit, so they believed the solution is also relational. Because of this, the focus of the ministry was to provide support and community. The main "practices" that were employed were a weekly support group and social gatherings such as hikes, game nights, movies, etc etc. 

6) Why did you spent so many years in EX gay programs?

The time I spent at the ministry fed my soul. It was the first place that I was able to be me. People there affirmed my faith and understood where I was at with my sexuality. I also found a community of others who were in similar situations. 

7) Do you have any final words or comments that you would like to express to Pink News readers?

My only other comments would be these... Not all "exgay" ministries are the same. From the experiences that I've heard from others who attended ministries from other parts of the country, I understand that some can be harmful. I think it goes wrong when the ministry leaders and the individual participant have the wrong focus. God does not hate you, no matter what. Seeking change and achieving change is not to gain more love if you succeed or loose God's love if you "fail". The goal really isn't homosexual attractions evaporating and gaining overwhelming heterosexual attractions. The goal should be holiness, wholeness, and freedom. 

God's peace
John

 

Free from Labels

 In the last post I discussed a bit how labels of sexual identity are defined and the logical process we go through in choosing which label to apply to ourselves. The other idea I've come to grapple with is the freedom we have in Christ to live beyond labels. Galations 3:25-28 has something to say about this... 

  
• Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law. 

•   You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus,

  
• for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.

•   There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

 I get the impression that during the Apostle Paul's time the labels jew, greek, slave, free, male, and female meant a great deal to the culture. These labels helped identify quickly what heritage, religion, and economic status a person was from. I also imagine that with each of these labels came different expectations, perceptions, behaviors, and ways of treating the individual.  Perhaps the labels mentioned in this verse were just as important to the people in that culture as the labels gay and straight are to us. I also wonder how the labels the ancient's used to define themselves impacted their newly found relationship with Christ. Perhaps, Paul writes this verse as a direct response to conflict between people with different labels. How did the Jews feel about the Greeks who were now professing the same faith?. How was a master to treat his slave in light of their salvation? Did the cultural division between male and female deteriorate by the power of Christ's sacrifice? It seems that Paul needed to remind, or at least encourage, the believers of his day, that the labels they once used to define themselves no longer had the same power over them. 

I believe scripture has a lot to say about who we are once we've accepted the free gift Christ offers us. When we believe that we are in need of a saviour and that Christ died for us, forgives us of our sin, and covers us with his righteousness, we instantly gain a new spiritual identity. God no longer looks at us through our own behavior, He only sees the righteousness of Christ covering us.  In this I, a person who has same-sex attractions, have found the freedom to live beyond the label of gay.  My biological sex plus an attraction for the same sex plus my past sexual behavior does not equal a label of gay. The one thing that altered the whole equation was the blood of Christ. Because of that one factor,I am simply His. I want my identity as His son to influence my expectations, perceptions, and behaviors. 

God's Peace

John

The Dilemma Of Sexual Labels

Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Bisexual, Transgender, Asexual, Pansexual, Exgay...

Whew... is that all of them? Probably not! These are some of the common, and maybe not so-common (like pansexual and exgay), labels we use to define our sexuality. These particular terms are social. They help us understand ourselves in relation to our surroundings and to succinctly communicate our preferences and experiences with others. Even outside of sexuality, humans are inclined to categorization. Putting people, experiences, and things into categories helps us process, analyze, and arrive at conclusions in an efficient manner. However, categorization can also be problematic. One of the main drawbacks is that it requires oversimplification. In order to classify something into a category, we are forced to only consider its’ more obvious characteristics. The characteristics that we pay attention to are often biased by what we deem relevant to the category. Additionally, our culture influences our definitions of what fits into what category. The labels we use to categorize our sexuality are often limited and defined in the same manner. Oversimplification occurs in sexual identity labeling when we consider an attraction or an experience as a reason to automatically categorize a person and then label them as gay, lesbian, straight, etc. These social labels are defined largely by our culture. Our culture has set the equation: Biological Sex + Sexual attraction = Social Sexual Identity Label. For example, Male +Attraction for another male = Gay. We could come up with several other equations our culture uses to categorize and label sexuality by considering factors such as sexual behaviors and even gender roles and expectations. The sociological concept of labeling theory suggests that labels produce expectations and have the power to influence our perceptions and behaviors. Our influenced perceptions and behaviors then reinforce the label, thus a cyclical pattern of identity emerges.

 

I believe that the equation described above need not be limited to only a single result. Individuals have the freedom to calculate the factors and decide whether the typical corresponding social label applies to them personally or not. One person may indeed conclude that because they are a woman and are sexually attracted to other women, the label of lesbian fits them well. While another person may acknowledge that they have sexual attractions for the same gender, yet they do not accept the label of gay.  However, it seems to me, the current cultural attitude about sexuality affirms the notion that the existence of same sex attractions only produces a label of gay. I see this attitude as extremely limiting to the individual’s right to self-discovery and expression, which I find rather ironic for a modern society that supposedly embraces and encourages these very ideals. I believe when we give ourselves the freedom to asses our life circumstances, draw our own conclusions, and choose our own labels as we see fit, then we are better equipped to allow others to do the same. 

The Podcast

This blog has the same title of a podcast that I cohost with a friend. The podcast is intended to encourage believers who struggle with same sex attractions, to equip pastors and ministry leaders to walk with believers who struggle with sexual issues, and to communicate God's love and respect for gay identified people (both Christians and non-Christians). While many of our beliefs about the subject are based on what would be considered a conservative christian worldview, we by no means hold any judgment for those who disagree. Also, while we do believe that change is possible in the way we think and behave in regards to our sexuality, we do not ascribe to be an "exgay" ministry. Meaning our goal is not that you come gay and leave straight. Our goal is that no matter how you identify sexually, that you leave understanding God's unconditional love for you and the grace that he so freely offers to anyone. 

You can find the podcast at http://web.me.com/johndesjard/Site

We also have a facebook discussion group that can be found by searching for The New Creation Symposium. 

I'm on the Journey

  Lately I've been enjoying finding new (new to me anyways) blogs and discussion groups online related to my area of passion. My passion, for anyone who may not already know, is understanding our sexuality and sexual struggles in light of our Christian faith. Or perhaps more precisely, in light of our personal relationship with Christ. My passion for this area comes from my own experience, thus I too am on the journey. I don't pretend to have figured it all out, I just believe it is worth trying to figure out. I am in no way now, nor have I ever been, perfect. I just believe that God has a standard for our sexuality and he desires to bless us. Most of my journey learning about sexuality has been through my personal struggles with same sex attraction. It's through these struggles that I have learned most about who I am as a human in need of a saviour, and who God is as my loving Father. I believe I have learned these lessons through the perfect union of God's truth and grace.  Here are a few things I've learned, believe, or have come to ponder along the way. 

• I've learned that God's grace is sufficient for the journey. To me that means, that even though I'm still in process, that is still walking on the journey, God keeps me in his perfect love. Nothing can separate me from his love. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither dirty thoughts or looking at porn, neither masturbation or any other moral failure in all creation will be able to separate me from the love of God. (Romans 8:38 says something close to that effect)

• I don't self identify as gay, bisexual, asexual, straight, or exgay. I have no use for these labels. None of them fit perfectly. I believe that I am a human, created in God's image, created a sexual being. I believe God has a specific design for sexuality and welcomes me to experience the abundance He has for me in His design. 

• Along the way I've recognized that a lot of people who call themselves Christians have a difficult time understanding sexuality. Specifically, many struggle to know how to respond to others who identify themselves as gay and those who do not, but who struggle with same sex attraction. Many times this confusion has caused heated, ignorant, and mean-spirited debates. People have been wounded. 

• I do believe that change is possible. However, what kind of change, how long it takes, and what the end results should/does look like are not always as simplistic as many would like to make them seem. I don't believe heterosexuality should be the end goal of "change" in our sexuality. Heterosexuality is broken too!! (I fully intend to write a blog entry with this as the title). As followers of Christ, we are called to submit to a process of self-denial(it's not popular, but it is biblical Matthew 16:24). Ultimately, we are changed by that process. Scripture also tells us that we are indeed being transformed (changed) into the image of Christ (2nd Corinthians 3:18).

Because this is a journey, I reserve the right to come to new conclusions, to arrive at new understanding... to have been flat out wrong. However, this is where I am at today. I'd like to join others as they walk on this journey. 

God's peace

John